Back to the Future…

Thursday evening, December 20, 2012.  A typical winter’s evening, yet also the eve of the Mayan predicted ‘shift in consciousness’, or to many believers, the end of the world as we know it.  I feel pretty certain that tomorrow will be just like any other day.  Part of me longs for something more dramatic.  Nothing hurtful or dangerous, just ‘something’ enough to tip the balance into a ‘better world’, whatever that may mean…

Interesting how when there are major shifts happening on larger scales, we often have our own microcosm of that shift in our own lives.  I have such a thing in mine.  Saturday will be my last day at the salon where I have worked for about a year, and probably my last day being a hair stylist, in any career-type sense of the word.  My back simply won’t allow me to do things I used to be able to do.  Something as simple as sweeping the floor is no longer the same, so it’s far beyond whether or not I can stand and cut hair.  My physical self is altered.  Different.

I’m getting better at accepting this for ‘what it is’.  Most days I can maintain a neutral stance about it all, and other days I feel sorry for myself.  Some days the pain isn’t bad at all, and I pretend it’s not real.  Mostly I know that life is different now, and I move forward into a future that is not at all certain when it comes to what will happen with my back.  Maybe I will have surgery next year.  Maybe it won’t be for a while, and maybe there will be miracles.  I leave the door open for all of it.  I have to.  I’m no longer driving this bus.

The funny thing is, though…*this* back thing has made me realize that we are delusional if we ever think we know what the future may hold. We don’t.  We can hope, pray, wish, believe, strive for, and behave as if we have a clue, but we really don’t.  And, the most interesting thing I’ve realized out of all of this is that it’s really much, much easier to accept that we don’t know.  Staying neutral and involved and as present to the moment as possible is my goal.  Leaving the doors open for possibilities, whatever ‘they’ may be, and judgment out of the picture as much as I am able, is a goal…  This ‘revelation’ of mine might be akin to what all the hippies were talking about in the 60’s:   “Be here now, Man…”  Funny how it is much more than just a catchy phrase to me now…

So, onward into the unknown we all go…be that December 21st, 2012 or January 1st, 2013, etc., etc.  As I sit here tonight, I realize again, and perhaps, still…that it really doesn’t matter what happens.  Tonight I have a warm house, sweet cats, a loving partner, and a decent book to read before sleep.

Bring it on.