Displacement…

October 30, 2010

Yesterday at our perm final, many of my fellow students brought in their mothers as models.  One girl in particular, who I often find annoying as she is constantly apologizing, brought in her mother as well.  I understand much better now, why this young woman is like a cowering animal most of the time.  Her mother was not nice to her.  Oh, she was sort of sick and sweet to everyone else, but as I was in the station next to them, I overheard many of the not-so-nice things she said to her daughter.  Small, digging statements to constantly undermine someone’s opinion, actions, or just their being-ness.  I felt sorry for my fellow student, and was very grateful for the fact that my mother never treated me in such a demeaning fashion.

Displacement is defined as:  “the redirection of an emotion or impulse from its original object (as an idea or person) to another”.

I’m guessing this mother is not a happy person, and pushes all her emotional upset onto her daughter.  Perhaps her mother did it to her.  Who knows??  Whatever the case, it’s being passed on…

What if we weren’t allowed to do that?  What if we followed the rule that if you don’t have something nice to say, you don’t say anything at all?  What if we all believed in the Golden Rule?  What if we weren’t snarky to our friends, our lovers, our kids, our parents?  What if we just allowed ourselves to feel what we feel when we are upset, and then took a grown-up time out before speaking?

As I work my way through cosmetology school, I find that I am seeing and hearing a lot of stories that tell the history of these women.  Sometimes these stories are sad and sometimes, even tragic.

Dad was right:  don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their mocassins.

And… thank you, Mom, for always being so loving and supportive.  I think I’ll pass that on…

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Mirror, mirror…

October 6, 2010

I’ve been in a bit of a funk of late despite receiving relatively good news regarding my wrist.  I’m more than grateful that I don’t require surgery at this point, and though it’s a bit of a nebulous mystery as to what my future holds with wrist/pain/mobility, I am still pleased to know that my school venture will not be interrupted.

I’m just bummed that seemingly ‘old’ issues and repetitive nonsensical and damaging responses and ways of being are still floating around in my space.  I feel like I’ve run many ‘personal growth’ races, only to find that I’m still standing in the same spot.  I’m sure this is just a dramatic viewpoint, yet it is tangible, nonetheless.

How does one actually progress as a human being?  Is it circular, linear, haphazard, two steps forward…one step back, or is it one step forward…two steps back??  Any of the above??  None???

What gives me a modicum of hope at this juncture is that even when I’m in the heaviness of feeling like life is going backwards, or falling apart, I can feel whispers of the ‘other side’ of that particular experience.  Like a oasis seen on the horizon in a desert, or the sense of a cool breeze in a hot room, there is a reprieve…even for a moment, that I didn’t used to have.  It’s the sensation that if I only stood just a *little* more to the left (or right), I would be in a better space.  A more harmonious space…  A space that is life supporting…

Maybe that *is* progress??  I never used to have even a sliver of this feeling whilst in the midst of despair.  Perhaps I’m being offered an escape route?  An Alice in Wonderland type mirror to step through, without all the additional odd characters and challenges awaiting me on the other side.

I want to leap out of this old, used-up, crusty way of being in martyr/victim-mode.  Good lord but it gets weary…

I know that there is another Alison on the other side of that mirror.  She beckons…and I hear the call.

Time to enter my own personal wonderland, and explore the delights…

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