BFF

September 25, 2010

It’s 6:22 a.m. this Saturday morning and I rowed to get some exercise.  My wrist bothered me a little, yet I figure I should row while I still can…at least for a while, anyway.

I was pondering the notion of kindness and friendship this morning, too, while rowing.  I want to turn over a new leaf and be kinder…nicer.  Not so much to others, as I already put energy in that direction, but to myself.

I want to be my own BFF.  The one who, no matter what, is there for me.  One who does not sit in judgment, or overreact, or pity, or mistreat.  I want to be my own best friend, forever.

Time to take hold of my hand…maybe even the injured one, and move forward.  If this sounds like I’m doing a Sally Field imitation from Sybil, I’m not.  This isn’t a psychotic split, yet more of a psychic joining.

I just want to be kinder to myself.  I want to be the one that is in my corner, even if all I have to offer is worry and concern and fears about an injured wrist.  I want to be the one that soothes and comforts, saying, “it will all be fine”…. “you’ll see…”…”we’ll get through it together.”  The kind of self-talk that is life-supporting…not haranguing.

Yes, that sounds nice.  I’m ready…

MRI’s and maudlin notions…

September 23, 2010

I had an MRI on my wrist on Monday and heard the results this afternoon.  Tear in the scapholunate ligament.  Apparently the ligaments in the wrist are named after the bones they connect, and this particular ligament joins the scaphoid and lunate bones (carpals) of my right wrist.

I’m trying not to panic.  I’m in school, and the last thing I need to hear is that I need surgery on my wrist to repair the tear.  I won’t know all the details until my follow up appointment on the 4th of October, yet my mind is already racing.  It will be hard not to google all the ways in which I should be concerned, and my most sincere hope is that I can stay centered throughout this process and *know* that my goal of getting through hair design school without any major hiccups will be feasible.

Did I mention I’m trying not to freak?

This is my precious right hand.  My intricately executed and beautifully designed right hand.  I don’t doubt that it has been seriously comprimised by two falls.  Ever watch those slow motion videos of people running on treadmills?  Notice how it seems impossible that their knees and ankles can take such impact?  Yeah.  I guess my wrist is pretty damn miraculous for being in one piece *at all* after several falls.

Good lord.  This is not what I need or want.  I’m feeling kind of sorry for myself (hence the title bit, ‘maudlin notions’), and I just don’t get it.  Like Lee said, perhaps there is nothing ‘to get’.  It just happened, and now it just needs to be fixed.

Fortunately for me, I’m way ahead for my quilt show in January, and I think and hope and pray that I can find a way to continue with school, sans interruption.  I just don’t know how that picture looks just yet, and waiting is not my strong suit.

Wish me luck… Wish me the courage not to expect the worst.  Let me be like the water and flow around the obstacle(s) that seem to be in my path.  Fluid and formless.  Adaptable.

Maybe that is the lesson…  if, indeed, there is one.  Acceptance and adaptability.  The “A” words…

Wish me luck…

First day of school…

September 7, 2010

So it begins…  today is my first day of school.  More specifically, orientation.

I’m proud of the fact that for the last two months while I’ve been off, I’ve accomplished a lot.  I am in good standing for my art show in January, and I’ve created other works for various other art venues.  No one could call me a slacker and have it stick.  I’ve been productive, on a myriad of levels…and it feels good.

The one downer as I start this day is the continuing question mark of my wrist.  It’s been a week plus since the shot, and though it’s a bit better, it’s not what I had hoped for in terms of a fix.  The silly blob of swelling is back, and I keep wondering if I’m nuts to be starting school with this issue.  What exactly *is* the issue?  Is this just a sprain, or have I upset the balance of my wrist more intensely?

The doctor wants me to get an MRI if the shot doesn’t do the trick, and part of me wants to go ahead so I’ll know, yet the other part of me worries about the cost (literally) and the psychic cost if there is actually something ‘wrong’.

Sigh.

For today…I’ll just go see what school is to be about…

A row of grown ups…

September 2, 2010

For a myriad of reasons, I’ve been thinking about the ‘younger me’ these past few days.  Somewhere in the eleven year old range, I would guess, and back to a time when life felt safe.  As I seem to be on a never-ending quest for a very personal sense of inner peace, I have been exploring the notion of feeling safe in a rather esoteric way.

When I was little, thanks to my parents in a large part, I did feel safe.  Safe in a literal sense, yet even more important in a way, safe to explore the world around, and the world inside…  Safe to be me…

A row of grown ups.  That’s what this knowing felt like…  As if a protective barrier of adults walked right behind me at all times, and because of this, I was free to explore the day.  Open and hopeful and joyful.   What did I want to BE??  What did I want to do??  Oh, the possibilities!!!

Now that I am the grown up, I find I miss that particular sense of security.  How can I be the row of grown ups for myself?  How do I tell myself in a way that I will believe, that it is safe to be the totality of me these days?  Especially in a world that repeatedly shows us otherwise?  A world that wants to mold us into just another cog in the machine?

I want that feeling of freedom and security from so long ago.  Perhaps real enlightenment these days is when you can be the grown up and yet retain the childlike sense of wonder and fearlessness we all had at one time.

I think it’s important to offer this sense of safety to ourselves.  It’s portable, it’s personal, and it’s “about time” for me…

Maybe if I turn my head at just the right moment; I’ll find that they are all still right behind me…

Little Me…

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