Good, bad…right, wrong…

January 23, 2011

I saw the movie, Black Swan, recently.  It was OK, I guess.  Natalie Portman was pretty impressive in both her dancing and her acting, yet the overall story lacked some “meat” for me.  It does have me pondering the notion of duality and sanity, however.  I think I have blogged on this subject before, or at least touched upon it, so perhaps I am nuts and have multiple personalities…or, perhaps we all do… to some extent.

Once upon a time when I used to meditate more regularly, I would sometimes “see” a certain other aspect of me.  She was typically sulking in a chair, sort of defiantly un-groomed, with lots of anger about a lot of things.  I would think, “geez, why is this part of me so pissed off?”  I would try to engage this ‘me’ in conversation, in said meditation, yet it would usually just be a rant about all of the reasons why the anger was justified.

Maybe whenever we judge, condemn, criticize, or otherwise label a part of ourselves as “bad”, or “wrong”, or ” not good enough”, etc., etc…. we help create this personality that feels so slighted?  The part that eventually has a huge fodder on which to feed the anger.

I’m guilty of this, pretty much on a regular basis.  My overall sense of who I am is that I am a person who wants to be nice, play nice, and share my toys.  I do have my days, however, where this is not the case.  On such days, whenever I criticize myself, for being “selfish, or strict, or ungenerous, or inflexible”, perhaps I just add fuel to a never ending fire?  Maybe it’s ok to just acknowledge that you don’t always feel nice?  Don’t always feel like sharing, or being gracious?  Is that really so bad??

I’m not advocating for the negative, or for the willy nilly rampage of our more ‘unpleasant’ selves,  just wondering if the constant assignment of good or bad, or right or wrong is damaging to one’s psyche?  The whole adage of “what you resist, persists”.

I wonder if Natalie’s character in the movie hadn’t so severely separated the parts of her self, would there have been the eventual split?  What if she were to have been able to find a common ground between the two impulses?  What if she hadn’t assigned a label to the more wild and passionate ‘other self’?  What if she had accepted the fact that she was, indeed, a multi-faceted person?  Would she have held onto her sanity??

Hey. It’s a movie, right?  Perhaps she was just nuts and was doomed from the get go.  I don’t know… I just know it has me wondering…




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