Crossroads, blowfish, and the dark night of the soul…

July 12, 2010

Self examination:  In the last few months, I have been under my own personal microscope.  I have gone digging in areas so sensitive and raw, that I probably should have used some type of emotional Novocaine. I think I may have been cavalier and overly confident in this endeavor.

I’ve always had a tendency to be self absorbed in this way.  Ever hopeful that if I shed light on every nook and cranny in my soul, the very luminance will erase that which had been tucked and hidden away.

Eventually, I’d be cleared, cleaned, and free.

The Japanese like to eat blowfish, which is a poisonous fish if not prepared properly.  It is my understanding that there is a delicacy to be had in the flesh of the fish, yet if the preparer is ignorant, the poisonous toxins from the offensive organs can be released into the surrounding flesh, and ingestion can be fatal.

Since I’m fond of analogies, especially those that are visual as well, I feel much like the chef who thought they had the skill to find and slice out the delicacy, while in reality I’ve bungled the job and the toxins are released into the surrounding flesh.  I’m lucky to recognize this…

So, as I sat with myself last night, in yet another version of my “dark night of the soul” series, I realized that the reason I didn’t sense anything on the other side of this dark place was that there is no other side.  This particular venture is over, and I’m at the end of that road.

I find myself, instead, plunked smack down in front of a sign that points in two different directions.  I don’t know that a single word would define what I “see” on those boards pointing in opposite directions…but I can tell you this.  I must pick one today.

Out of respect to the part of me that isn’t riddled with ugly bits and bad habits, and mean notions, I quit.  I give up.  Somehow, I’ve wounded her in this process of self discovery, and without sounding too much like someone out of  the movie, “Sybil”, I really do sense the parts of my psyche that make up the totality of Alison.

I’ve got some bad habits that need to be dropped.  I have written about some of them in this blog.  I have some good qualities that I would like to let flourish.  My art and my ability to love are just two of these things.  I’m done exorcising.  There aren’t any real demons in my closet, nor any real unknowns as to why I have some hitches in my get-along.  I guess I’m not any different than anyone else.  Warts and all, I am just a person trying to get along in this world.  I would like to think I have garnered a few skills here and there, and it is my intent to always be open to being a better person.

I stand at the crossroads I see, and I know which way I am to go.  I know how some of how this path may look, yet I don’t know all the details.

No matter…

I drop the knife and the mangled fish and begin walking…

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3 Responses to “Crossroads, blowfish, and the dark night of the soul…”

  1. Alison said

    I think I’ll keep that appointment on Wednesday, too, Lee, if that’s still ok with you…

  2. PAT said

    You are human..just like the rest of us.Dark sides, flaws and mystery.True friends accept this and accept who we really are.Those who can’t overlook these..need to be eliminated from our lives.I have found this as I age.Turning 60 made me more aware of the flaws and how to deal with them.Life as it is today makes us all self absorbed..a way to protect ourselves and survive.We tend to live in a world that is unbalanced.The ways of the 50’s 60’s and 70’s are no more.sad..yes but we need to heal..go on and feel comfortable with who and what we are in the here and now.Your artistic side makes you question many things.You see the world and its surroundings in ways none of us can.Embrace that!! ..:-)

  3. Lee said

    I can’t think of any reason why you wouldn’t, Ali…

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