“The only way out is through”…’Geneen Roth’

June 7, 2010

I posted a ‘play’ I wrote years ago, earlier in this blog.  It is about weight and weighty ‘issues’.  I realize that unless you have had something similar, the words must seem odd and foreign.  I’ve no doubt, however, that lots of people have dealt with their own personal, physical issues; whether it be weight, or acne, or crooked teeth. That thing that makes one feel “less than”.   I am not special, nor unique in my struggles.

It’s painful.  No doubt about it.  It can be an obsession…the pain.  It can be a tool to ridicule and excuse and abuse oneself.  It can wound long after the initial wound is seemingly closed.

It can continue unheeded and unknown.

I’m at a place in my life where I am trying to sift through all the crap I was told I should want to be, and what I *truly* want to be.  This might sound ridiculously easy, but it is not for me.  I have so enmeshed and immersed myself in thoughts of what I should be, that unraveling all of that (yes, after all these years and counseling sessions later), I still sit there with my tangled ball of yarn.  What threads are real and dear to me and who I want to be??  What threads are just there to tangle and confuse??  I truly want to unwind and be clear.  I’m serious.  I’m really not joking.  Do I want to be thinner because it is what I am told I should be??  I think it is beyond sad that I can’t *TELL* what is what.  I can’t tell what is society telling me who I should be (weight-wise), or whether it is me saying, this is where I’d like to be weight-wise, please.  Do I want to be something different??  What do I want??  It’s like the old show, “To Tell the Truth”.  Would the real Alison stand the hell up??  Which one is the real Alison???  I can’t bloody tell!

Some people think that weight is a concrete thing.  You just gain or lose it.  No big deal.  Diet or don’t.  How hard is it??

I’m at a place where I see and hear those words, and that perspective.  I truly do.   I’ve also successfully and unsuccesfully lost and gained weight throughout the years.  Yes, in it’s most literal sense, it is not rocket science.  It is easy.  Just eat less and your body will use the reserves.  Duh.

I also know and feel the part of me that isn’t quite there (yes, after all these years and all those counseling sessions).   The part that still walks around in that play and wrings her hands over the whys and the hows and the painful memories of being overweight when it was the worst thing one could be.  How can I still at almost 47 years old be the sad little girl of 15 who ate obsessively and felt like shit afterward?  How can she still be in there??

I’ve apologized to others for my carrying this crap like the baggage it is…as if it is something for which I can be pardoned.  I think I am just mostly sorry for myself.  Sorry, Ali.  Sorry I didn’t get this sussed out all those years ago.  Sorry I still trouble you with this shit.  Sorry I failed you and keep harboring this wound.

How did it get so tangled??

This may well be just a diatribe.  A dribbling of bullshit that matters not to anyone but me.  I just think that Geneen Roth is right.  The way out is not around or above or below.  You have to go through…  Sometimes you just have to go through.  You have to finally listen to the one that was 15.  Even if it is dramatic and serves no real purpose.  Maybe you just have to be there to listen to the one that got lost in the yarn and the maze of self hate.  You have to go in and find her and make it right.

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2 Responses to ““The only way out is through”…’Geneen Roth’”

  1. marghiggins said

    Alison you are not the sum of your obsessions..thinking and over analizing ourselfs sometimes keeps us there (in the past) to long…we all take ourselfs to seriously..lighten up on yourself..your fantasstic the way you are.love to you and peace…

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