The monkey mind…

June 4, 2010

There was this guy in high school who was on the drama/speech debate team with me.  He wore his angst-ridden attitude around him like a blanket.  Morose and moody, to say the least.  One time on the bus to a debate, I asked him if he was ever happy.  He told me “I’m only happy when someone else is unhappy.”  Whether it was a posture or a real stance, it kind of blew me away to hear…

I think there is a part of my psyche, a part of my mind…the monkey mind as my friend, Peg, calls it, that is only happy when I am unhappy.  It is that mental chatter that points out all the ways in which you have failed, are failing, or will possibly fail.  It derides, chides and snides.  It knows your achilles heel and will ramp up when it smells blood.  Mine is particularly vicious at times.  Things I wouldn’t say to a hated enemy come out of the monkey mind’s mouth directed at me.  Where in the world did I garner so much animosity??  Who or what is this thing?

I have become more adept at side-stepping these attacks, and they are actually less frequent and less fierce.  However, this morning in my haze of initial waking, I was bombarded by the Voice.  The one telling me that I’m fat, my art isn’t selling, and I am destined to never achieve anything I set my heart on doing.  Yeah…that’s lovely.  Thanks so much for the kick in the stomach so early in the morning.

I’m not sure what you do with the Voice.  Do you love it out of existence?  Ignore it??  Smack it around and engage in a cross-fire of insults??  None of that stuff has worked for me before…

Maybe I will draw it out of my head.  Give it an image on paper and then set it on fire.  Fire purifies.

Out of the ashes may rise a different voice.  A “Glenda, the good witch” type of voice.  It’s worth a shot..



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